cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
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Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”