My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
I had a peach bellini with breakfast and it wasn’t even the best decision I made today but it was a damned good one.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I know House of the Dragon just came out but I’m already imagining what the sequels would look like: Semi-detached Condo of the Dragon, Tiny House of the Dragon, Abandoned Warehouse of the Dragon
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?