[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
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hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
this is what they would have looked like, though
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.