I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
Not today. 😅
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
I’ll take a bullet for you but if a clown shows up somewhere you on your own
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
it’s ok if no one “gets” you; do what’s right for you. avoid people who make you feel bad. entomb your enemy, alive, in a wine cellar. become a lighthouse keeper who guides phantom ships to the underworld. you do you.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.