Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
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*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.