Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
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“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Lights that commit crimes are sent to prism
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.