i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
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If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?