9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
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[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.
Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,