When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
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BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Plant care tips
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
You are not alone 💚
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
Never had my own stalker before. Kinda exciting, kinda scary. 2½ stars – might recommend.*
*mostly dependent on them not killing me horribly before I can
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.