Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
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I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
I’m aging like a fine banana