Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
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[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
Home #decor warning.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
You know what else is crazy?
*googles synonyms for crazy*
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy