So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
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The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
*rolls grocery cart into open house*
Ooh what a lovely lamp!
*puts it in cart*An iPad!
*crosses iPad off shopping list*
*puts it in cart*
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
This is my favorite one of these!
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
favorite tropes as memes
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space