Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
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A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Worst perfume name ever.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB