Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
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Who does Amazon think I am?
Seductively sings in Klingon.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.