The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
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Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Florida man
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
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