The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
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I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
want me to check your oil?
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
–
Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
*discretely picks a booger*
*slyly wipes it on her blouse*
Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle