I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
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Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.