Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
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[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Trying
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.