if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
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Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!