Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
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I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say “I’m affordable” instead of “I’m adorable”. Stop embarrassing me.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.