[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
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The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Alligators can live for up to 100 years.
So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Me: I need a “personal massager”
Hitachi: No problem, here’s our Magic Wand. Anything else?
Me: You wouldn’t happen to know where I can get a 20-ton industrial crawler excavator would you?
Hitachi: You’re not gonna believe this
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
🍞🦆
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.