I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
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Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Herpes is trending, good job people
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle