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I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Yes my dude
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.