long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
You Might Also Like
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
“no gods no masters” = leo
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
This week’s mood.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night