Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
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No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
me: sorry I called out my ex’s name just now
woman: three times though?
bloody mary: ew, am I on the ceiling
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
The human personality is made of five key elements
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”