Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
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Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Tell us a scary story!
Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil*puts wedding tape in VCR
(Electricians.)
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.