The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
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It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.