[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
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Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
🙁
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues