Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
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I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.