Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
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happy birthday to me. i am 25.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky