Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
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On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
#DesignFail
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
It’s actually Dr. whatever
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?