Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
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satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
It’s an epidemic…
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
What do you hear?
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Comments other people make during a movie are annoying.
Comments I make during a movie enhance the experience.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me