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Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Me [camping]:
We’re out of wood, so I’m going to go chop some more after my hike.Me [at home]:
I would change the channel, but the remote is 2.7 millimeters out of reach.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.