Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
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I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.
DAD: Guess you could say-
SON: NO DON’T-
DAD: -that’s sound advice.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
5: mummy can I clean the plates
Me: yes of course
5: it makes me happy to clean plates *walks away*
Me: where are you going
5: to watch tv
Me: I thought cleaning plates made you happy
5: not on a Tuesday
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something