[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
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I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
do u know the muffin man
the muffin man
the muffin man
do u know the muffin man
that lives on d-d-d-d-d-d
DROP THE BASS*club goes nuts*
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.