My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
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Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.