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I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁