Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Just this preview of the story is enough
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
#BlowsMyMind how straight of a line I can walk
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking