I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
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me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
When someone trying to leave me
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.