Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
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I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
[HR office]
HR: you know why you’re here, right?
Me:
HR: you can’t “contract” Down’s Syndrome & you can’t call in sick with it
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?