Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
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Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
British websites use biscuits.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook