HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
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If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
What do you call a frog stuck in the mud?
Unhoppy.
#OneLiners #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #F4F
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby