My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
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This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.