Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
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I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
My husband coughing the moment I got the baby to sleep is why spouses are the number one suspect in homicide cases.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
What the hell is going on?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.