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If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣