Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
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Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
There are only certain men who can pull off a mustache. The ones with removable mustaches.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
I came this close!!!!
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
[while house is on fire]
Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.
Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?
F: but the house is on fire.
Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
Every work meeting this week
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.