The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
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If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
The options really are this bad
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Officer, if I can’t stand in the shoulder of the road, screaming and crying, then maybe they shouldn’t call it the breakdown lane.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.