professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
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I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
Okey dokey.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Happy weekend !
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?