2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
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Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women