I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
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Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me: